An emotional Boyd Cordner says he spent many sleepless nights mulling over the decision to retire from rugby league.
The 29-year-old has called time on his glittering career, forced out of the game due to repeated concussions.
Cordner confirmed he was physically ready to return to the game, but couldn't overcome a nagging feeling in the back of his mind.
"Away from footy it was a different story, I felt a different way," he said.
"It was like my heart was telling me I wanted to play on, but my head was telling me otherwise. It was dragging me another way.
"The more I tried they just didn't align at the end of the day."
"If that was the case it would have been me physically prepared but mentally crossing my fingers, and I don't think that was safe at all," he added.
"For once I had to put my health and happiness first. It was an extremely tough decision to make.
"I spent sleepless nights trying to find a way to brush it aside and play on."
Cordner last played in the opening State of Origin match of the 2020 series in November, a game where he suffered his fourth concussion scare in just a matter of months.
He says the decision to retire was his alone, having undergone a battery of tests in recent months which came back clear. Cordner indicated that "a couple of specialists" had recommended he retire, but they did so acknowledging the fact there was no medical reason for him not to play on.
He departs the game having played in three premiership-winning sides, and having captained New South Wales to State of Origin glory.
"The past six months has been a really challenging time in regards to my head knocks and my health," he said.
"Not once did I think I'll be up here announcing that this will be it.
"All I wanted to do was get back and play the game I love."
A veteran of 181 matches for the Roosters over a 10-year period, Cordner will be remembered as one of the foundation club's greats.
He says the decision to retire was made about a week ago.
"The first time saying it was the toughest time, knowing that once I said it I knew it was real. It just felt like a massive weight that was lifted off my shoulders," he explained.
"I knew this was coming. I'm an extremely emotional person and I knew it was going to be difficult for me to stand up and deliver what I needed to say.
"It's tough. I feel like I've got a lot more left to give to the game.
"I can look back and take peace at the career I've had, the achievements, the big games, the premierships, State of Origins, Australian games.
"I can look back and be very proud of what I've done."
ARLC chairman Peter V'landys paid tribute to Cordner as one of the game's best.
"Boyd is a true leader. He captained his club, state and country to great success. He reached the absolute pinnacle of rugby league and leaves the game having done it all – premierships, Origins and World Cups,'' he said.
"Perhaps most importantly, Boyd is a great person. His friendly and warm personality made him very popular with all he came into contact with. He's a role model and someone young players aspire to be.
"I cannot speak highly enough of Boyd's career and contribution on and off the field. On behalf of the commission, I wish him every success in the next chapter of his life."
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