Humbled, refreshed and armed with a powerful perspective on life, Kayla Harrison will make her much anticipated return to the fight game in Washington DC on Saturday (AEDT).
The holder of two Olympic judo gold medals (2012 and 2016), Harrison then switched to a dominant MMA career in the Professional Fighters League.
The American won 15 straight fights before being stunned by Brazilian Larissa Pacheco last November.
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Having known nothing but winning, Harrison hasn't fought since.
"I was sad, I was depressed," the 33-year-old told The MMA Hour ahead of Saturday's bout with compatriot Aspen Ladd at the PFL World Championship.
"I'm a type A driven obsessive, you know, psycho and I talk a big game and I want everything I say that I want. So yeah, dealing with a loss is not a walk in the park for me. I know that it probably sounds trivial to maybe a lot of people but this is what I do – it's really important to me.
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"I put a lot of effort and energy and time – and a lot of people around me put a lot of effort and energy and time into that – so it was humbling. I don't want to call it rock bottom but nothing stings quite like the pain of failure.
"Like you just want to crawl out of your skin."
Harrison said her two children served as a healthy distraction and helped her eventually shake off the disappointment.
She also revisited the trauma of her own childhood in the powerful interview.
Harrison's former judo coach Daniel Doyle was sentenced to 10 years in jail after pleading guilty to sexual abuse in 2007.
"If you had seen me at 10-years-old, at 12-years-old, at 16-years-old, um, like, I wanted to die. I didn't want to live and look at my life now," Harrison said.
"I told my mum that my coach had been sexually abusing me for eight years. I was 16. A month later I moved to Boston and I had $250 in my hands which was half the month's rent. I lived in a judo house with a bunch of other athletes and I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to do judo, I hated my mum…
"I didn't get out of bed, I didn't brush my teeth, like I didn't want to exist."
Harrison then began to rebuild her life with the Pedros, who became her judo coaches but also her surrogate family.
"I had people around me who believed in me when I didn't believe in myself and because of them and because of that little voice inside that said 'not yet, like don't give up just yet, don't quit just yet…'
"That's what makes me even better and even more dangerous on Friday night (local time) because I'm OK no matter what."
Harrison was asked what advice she would give to victims currently experiencing abuse.
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"Don't give up, you know. I know that it's brutal, I know that it's hard, I know that you're like tired in your bones and you feel like you're never going to be happy again and you feel no hope. I've been there," she said.
"But don't give up, you know. I think that with faith and with the right people around you anything is possible. I'm living proof of that…
"You have to find that little thing inside of you that says 'don't give up' and you have to know that you're seen, you're heard, you're loved and you do that by reaching out and asking for help. So don't be ashamed, don't be afraid, don't be scared. Ask for help and I promise you'll find it."
If you or anyone you know needs immediate support, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or via lifeline.org.au. In an emergency, call 000
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