A reflective and emotional Gary Ablett sr says he "still grieves to this day" over the death of Alisha Horan.
Horan, 20, died after she consumed a lethal combination of heroin, ecstasy and amphetamine following a drug-fuelled bender with Ablett in February 2000.
The incident happened three years after the Cats great left the game but cast a dark shadow over the legend's reputation for years after. Ablett snr also pleaded guilty to charges for possessing and using drugs.
Ablett said even though he has established a relationship with god since Horan's death, he still is heavily impacted by the situation.
"Really transparent and honest, there's been times, especially when, with moral failure some 20 years ago where I was involved in drugs and there was a young lady that overdosed … I can't tell you how much that shattered me, how much it broke me as a person. It still grieves me to this day," Ablett said for the social inclusion charity Reclink Australia stream.
"It's only been my relationship with Jesus Christ that has got me through, because of His unconditional love and acceptance and knowing that if I repent and I'm genuinely sorry for what I've done, He forgives me because He's paid for it all on the cross. Without him, I couldn't have kept going.
"After that happened I didn't want to be here for a number of years and I said to God, 'you should have taken me instead'. It's been a very painful experience.
"If only I could go back in time and change things I would. Unfortunately we don't get that opportunity.
"That's why I'm learning … that's why choices in life are so important because once we've made a choice or a decision, we don't get the chance to go back in time and change it."
Ablett said having dealt with the guilt and shame brought on by the incident, it made him more understanding to other people's pain and what makes every human vulnerable.
"No one likes emotional pain – especially long-term – and it's so easy to want to turn to things to numb our pain, to escape reality," he said.
"But the problem is when the drugs wear off and the alcohol wears off, we not only wake up with a hangover, our problems are back worse than ever often because what we've done while we've been on the drugs or on the drink can add more pain, or even shame, to our lives.
"We need to make sure that we get our decisions right the first time – that's been a big lesson for me. I just wish I had have known that a lot earlier."
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